Losing You

Daily writing prompt

Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.

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At the time cutting you from my life felt foreign, torturous. My heart bled. The pain in my chest was so loud. It bubbled up into my eyelids, falling freely in droplets of salt- the only way to catch some fleeting solace. 

For weeks after, I questioned myself. Should I reach out just once more? I could tell you how much I cared (again) and maybe, just maybe that would change the outcome. This outcome that had buried me. I was 6 feet under trying to claw myself out. Dirt under my nails, gritty and caked. It sat like a brick on my chest. Each inflation of my lungs felt heavy like they were pushing against a wall. 

My phone cradled in my hands, message typed out and then quickly erased. And then typed out again, finger hovered over the send button only for the brain to catch up to the heart. Message deleted - a quick surrender. 

Weeks turning into months. The pull to send that message lessens. The brain begins to win the battle with the heart. Demanding it too get up to speed with what is best for us...what is best for me. And unfortunately, that is not you. Though some days my heart is still hopeful- scanning for you around corners, searching for you in every blue car on the street, craving a run in. Longing for one last hello, yearning for one more goodbye. 

My brain knows better. Her and my heart have had many chats over these last months. She's talked some sense into that simple entity that resides in my chest. Reminding her we deserve better. Evoking her to fight for more , hunger for more....than a mediocre kind of love. 

Losing you helped my brain win the battle. 
She is in charge now. 
Pursuing love that gives as we give. 
Striving for the love we deserve. 
And accepting absolutely nothing less.